What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there