the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Meanwhile in Canada…
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”