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“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
My inexpensive home security system…
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My first child will be named New Folder.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.