A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Godspeed, John Glenn
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty