[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Baking is just science you can eat.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Seems a bit forward
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.