If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.