PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?