BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.