PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE