House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.