I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
More like Kate Missington.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.