*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
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I think we should hear other voices.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I ate everything, including the H.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.