Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”