If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
You Might Also Like
The Book. The Movie.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”