I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Cat.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
decorating my apartment
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My sex drive has a dui
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table