“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.