I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
You Might Also Like
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
at ease…shoulder.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.