5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”