In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
japanese corn
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.