Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me