North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*