Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream