Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
You Might Also Like
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!