The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me trying to look natural in photos
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Perfection.