afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
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[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer