“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
wishing you and yours all the best
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family