Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Why soy sad?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”