*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
You Might Also Like
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.