Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister