What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Ferrari squats
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials