You Might Also Like
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Good morning!
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running