Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Two types of dogs.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Peace was never an option
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.