[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
starting a garage orchestra
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Perfect
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.