That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
That was easy.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate