I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral