[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
courtroom exchange of the day
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I’m about to risk it all
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table