If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her