Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.