SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.