Battery falling down a hole
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home