*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Can’t stop laughing
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.