A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.