Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
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“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.