My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My Plans 2020
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.