kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security