Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Free him
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
*jazz hands*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.