Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”