I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
😏😏😏
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.