Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Nice try Hitler
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?