Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Matt Goss
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”